Truth or Dare, Raisins, and the Color Lilac
by Narcissa24601
Summary: Gilderoy Lockhart has returned to Hogwarts and has scheduled an all-night feast for the school to celebrate his return. It's all fun, games, and some very tasty snacks until Voldemort and Bellatrix crash the party... and then it gets crazy! AU. R&R!
1. The Craziness Is Just Beginning!

**A/N: This is the first chapter of a truly insane script-ish parody, involving what would happen if Gilderoy Lockhart got his memory back. If you guys like it, I'll post more! Reviews make me feel loved, and I want at least 3 or 4 reviews before I post the next chapter so I know that people are reading this. With that said, this is VERY crazy. You have been warned.**

THE SCENE: *Harry is screaming loudly in the common room. The whole House runs down from their dormitories to see if a) Voldemort has returned to Hogwarts b) an alien invasion complete with a time warp and flying missiles has occurred c) Dobby has knitted socks for the whole school again.*

HERMIONE: Omiraisin, what happened, Harry?!?!?

HARRY: *is speechless, but points slowly at the common room message board. Everyone follows his gaze to where a large proclamation is tacked up on it*

LEE: *reading it*_ Hear ye, hear ye-_

PARVATI: That is sooooooooooooo, like, Middle Ages! "Hear ye, hear ye?" Uh, no! We're like, so too cool for that! I have to go brush my beautiful, like, hair now! TTYL! *exits*

HERMIONE: Is that what you were screaming about, Harry? Attack of the Mary Sue who just gave us a Middle Ages history lesson?

FRED: Hermione, that really wasn't funny.

HERMIONE: Oh, shut up before I conjure a nuclear-loving chinchilla on steroids and a sugar rush to come after you in your sleep.

FRED: I… have nothing to say to that.

LEE: Can I finish? Thank you! _Hear ye, hear ye! In honor of Gilderoy Lockhart's memory returning and his reinstatement at Hogwarts School as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, he has planned an all-night school feast in the Great Hall! The theme will be the beauteous color lilac. Gilderoy hopes to see you there!!_ And- holy raisins… there's a PICTURE of Lockhart hugging a lilac teddy bear…

*Lee pukes. Crowd disperses, reluctant to get near the sick puddle. Hermione, Harry and Ron stay behind*

HERMIONE: I don't know… it _could _be fun…

RON: Yes, Hermione. It could be fun in the same way that being hit over the head with a Beater's bat and a starving lion is fun. Or fun like being chased by an alligator that has just read a book in which his favorite character died and wants to take his anger at the author out on somebody. Or-

HARRY: *coming out of his trance* Well, I think I'll go.

RON: WHAT IS THIS RUMPUS?

HERMIONE: Really?

HARRY: Don't you know that with everybody in the school there, this is PERFECT for a little Truth-or-Dare? I want revenge on Malfoy for that rabid caterpillar that he put in my bag the other day.

RON: Ohhhhh… I get it now! I agree, Harry, we should go.

HERMIONE: Erm… well! I knew you'd see sense. Now, let's go get breakfast.

*The three walk out the portrait hole. Cue happy, sunny music*

**I told you it was insane... and it's only going to get crazier! If anyone has any ideas for Truth or Dare pranks, feel free to give them to me! Thanks! **


	2. In Which Ron Embraces His Inner Bird

**The next chapter is FINALLY up! I'm sorry for the delay. Anyway, this chapter is of little substance and is really only here to provide a) comic relief and b) build up to Chapter 3, in which the party will actually start. Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: If you are actually reading this story, I think it should be clear that I am not JKR. **

THE SCENE: 8:00 AM, the day of Lockhart's party. Harry and Ron are waiting for Hermione in the common room to go to breakfast.

RON: I wish Hermione would hurry up already! Gosh! I'm hungry!

HARRY: Why am I not surprised? If I recall correctly, it was your idea to eat those stupid candies in the third movie about us that made you roar like a lion and me look suspiciously like Mrs. Potts…

RON: *Spots a Canary Cream on the table* OOOOOOH! IT'S A POP-TART!

HARRY: Ron, don't eat-

RON: *has already polished it off*

HARRY: -it.

HERMIONE: *coming down the stairs* What in the raisin is going on? I could hear you all the way up from my dormitory, shouting about Canary Creams. You know, you could have been doing homework-

*RON turns into a canary*

HERMIONE: I see. Now, Harry, I would advise you to leave this fat orange canary to molt and go down to breakfast. I'll see you later.

HARRY: Aren't you coming?

RON: Tweet.

HERMIONE: Well, Lockhart's party is today, and I need to get ready.

HARRY: But the party's at SEVEN tonight. And it's eight in the MORNING right now. Are you crazy?

RON: Tweet.

HERMIONE: You know, some of us care about making a positive impression on our teachers-

HARRY: Hermione, if this is about trying to get better marks, it's impossible for you. You already have the highest marks humanly possible!

RON: Chirp.

HERMIONE: All the same, I do think I failed that last quiz… er… so bye. *goes back up the stairs*

*RON chooses this moment to turn back into a person*

HARRY: Whatever. Let's go eat.

RON: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

HARRY: That was a lot of A's, Ron.

RON: Well, I'm hungry!

HARRY: You should have SAID something, Ron! I had NO idea!

RON: But I've been saying that for the last 10 minutes…

HARRY: It's called VERBAL IRONY.

RON: Ohhhhh. Riiiiiiiiight.

*they climb out the portrait hole and trip over Neville*

HARRY: What are you lying on the floor for, Neville?

NEVILLE: I forgot the password.

RON: Oh, sorry. It's "Shut up or I will charm a nuclear loving chinchilla on steroids and a sugar rush to come after you in your sleep."

NEVILLE: *gasps* That is disgusting and raunchy language! My grandmother would not be pleased!

HARRY: Whatever. Come on, Ron.

*they leave*

HARRY: So, back to Lockhart's party and our plans for truth or dare-

RON: But we weren't talking about that.

HARRY: Holy raisins and hummingbirds, Ron, I DON'T CARE. Anyway, I think we should ask Malfoy if he secretly enjoys singing karaoke under strobe lights surrounded by giants that have asthma problems.

RON: And why…

HARRY: Well, why else would he keep disappearing off the Marauder's Map?

RON: Good point.

HARRY: Goshness to raisins, I can't wait to expose Malfoy! *cue maniacal laughter*

RON: Look! Up ahead! It's Fred and George handing out Pop-Tarts! I want one!

HARRY: RON, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*thirty seconds later*

RON: Tweet.


	3. Hermione's Confession and Ron's Snack

**The insanity REALLY starts now! A big thank you and a cookie to everyone who reviewed this so far; you guys are awesome! And also a big thanks to those of you who simply read this product of a sugar-crazed individual. **

**Disclaimer: I highly doubt JKR has a fanfic account. Therefore, it can be concluded that I am not JKR and I do not, as a result, own Harry Potter and friends. I might own the nuclear loving chinchilla on steroids and a sugar rush, but I'm not entirely sure about that one either.**

*THE SCENE: Harry, Ron, and Hermione are standing in the entrance hall, waiting to get into the party. The line is extremely long and it looks like the whole school has turned up*

HARRY: Wow, much better turnout than I expected… it must be due to the promise of my Truth or Dare plans!

HERMIONE: Actually, Harry, it's because Fred and George stood in the hallway for hours after classes were over and passed out flyers that said you were going to breakdance on a unicycle while singing the American national anthem at the party. So everyone came just to see that.

HARRY: B-b-but… I'm not even American! *bursts into tears*

RON: I'm bored! This line is taking forever! Let's play Duck, Duck, Goose!

HERMIONE: I don't want to encourage any more avian tendencies in you, Ron. Why don't you read a nice book instead?

RON: B-b-but… I like duckies! *bursts into tears*

HERMIONE: Shut up, both of you. Oh my goodness, we just moved up an inch in line! I can't wait to ask Professor Lockhart about…er… my last quiz grade.

HARRY: *under his breath* More like asking whether or not Lockhart wants to snog.

RON: *loudly* Eeeeeeeeew! Snogging is dirty and wrong! *the whole line goes silent and turns to stare at them*

PADMA: *in a carrying voice* OMG! I can't BAH-LEEVE I went to the Yule Ball with that canary!

RON: *starts crying again*

HERMIONE: Omigosh, we're at the ticket booth!!!!!!!!!! *hands all three tickets to the attendant and runs inside, dragging Harry and Ron behind her*

*Inside is a completely lilac Great Hall with lacy lilac wall drapes, lilac House tables, and some crooning, sappy, deathly slow song issuing out of loudspeakers that sounds suspiciously like the lyrics are "Lilac chinchillas riding unicycles… all day long… ooh ooh ooh… "

HERMIONE: Isn't it lovely and quaint? Professor Lockhart must have spent so much effort on this!

HARRY: I feel like I'm stuck in a really bad fanfiction or a parody right now. Where else would you find such DISGUSTING décor?

RON: I think we need pretty birdies to liven things up.

FRED: *walking up behind them* Hey guys. This rots, doesn't it?

HERMIONE: Of course it doesn't! That is very disrespectful!

GEORGE: Anyway, this place needs help. PARTI INCANTATEM! *the Hall is suddenly transformed into a dance floor with blinking strobe lights and deafening music playing. ALL students cheer and begin dancing*

FRED: Much better!

HERMIONE: This is an improper study environment!

RON: I'm hungry! Does anyone have a Pop-Tart?

HARRY: RON, NO!!!!!!

RON: Okie dokie.

HARRY: Well, let's wait for everyone and then get started on our game!

*ten minutes later, Dean, Ginny, Seamus, Lee, Lavender, Parvati, Neville, Luna, Fred, and George all have their tickets and are seated in a circle with Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the far corner of the room*

RON: Harry, why are we sitting in a circle? Are we going to play Duck Duck Goose after all? YAY!

HARRY: No, Ron. We just LIKE circles, okay?

RON: Or are we going to have storytime? OOH! Can we please read "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie?"

HARRY: Omiraisin. Let's just start. Okay. Hermione, truth or dare?

HERMIONE: T-truth, I guess…

HARRY: All right. Who would you rather snog, Lockhart, Krum, or Ron?

FRED: OOOOOOOOH! THE PLOT THICKENS!!!!!!!

LAVENDER: Shut up! I want to hear this!

HERMIONE: Can I pass on this one?

HARRY: Nope.

HERMIONE: L-L-Lock-h-hart… I guess…

*everyone is saved from responding by a loud voice from above. All look up*

VOLDEMORT: Hellooooooooooo, Hogwarts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you kids have any raisins? I'm hungry… *sees Harry* AHA!

HARRY: Squeak?

**Cliffhanger! Haha! I'm so mean! And does anyone have a song that they think would be funny for Luna and Fred to sing together on a dare? If so, feel free to review and tell me. I live to please! Thanks!**


	4. The Resurrection Stone Goes High Tech

**Hello! I am back with some more nonsense! I would like to thank 2random4words for the part when they sing "Lollipop," and gWeasley77 for being awesome and for faithfully reading this! Oh, and xxgabigailxx, your idea is being featured in the next chapter, so don't feel bad 'cause it's not here. I love getting feedback from all of you! And MoonShoesPotter9, thanks for your review and I'm glad that you thought it was funny! (As for weirdness, this was intended as the craziest parody I could dream up, so yeah…) Well, why am I still here? ON WITH THE FANFIC!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, an eighth book would be out already. "Lollipop" belongs to Mika. Sweeney Todd the musical belongs to Stephen Sondheim. My friend owns "exorbitant exclamation points." And I also don't own Potter Puppet Pals. *makes frowny face* I might own the Resurrection Stone's new answering machine system, but that's it.**

Harry: Squeak?

Hermione: Harry, you just squeaked in the last chapter. To squeak again now would be considered redundant.

Harry: Do I have to break out the chinchilla on you?

Hermione: Don't use my own lines against me, please.

Ron: Can we get back to the Dobby's sock of a plotline now?

Neville: *faints from raunchy language usage*

Lavender: Get a grip, Neville. People use wizard swears. Life goes on.

Voldy: OBLADI! OBLADA! LIFE GOES ON! BRAAAAAH! LA LA HOW THE LIFE GOES ON!

Bellatrix: Shut up!

Voldy: *faints at disrespect of the Beatles*

Bellatrix: ANYWAY, we are here to stupidly kidnap Harry in front of all these witnesses, and take him away, most likely to lock him in a torture chamber- WAIT! NOOOOOO! I JUST SPOILED MY SECRET PLAN! YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT, KIDDIES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fred: Come on, Bellatrix. We know you're a softie at heart. Instead of killing our friend, why don't you become a good little raisin and stay here to sing happy songs with us?

Bellatrix: Exs-cah-UUUSE me?

Voldy: *wakes up* That sounds fun!

Fred: HEY! What's the big idea?

Voldy: What in tarnational raisins…?

Luna: Sucking too hard on your lollipop, love's gonna get you down!

Parvati: This song clashes oddly with "Just Dance" that everyone else is dancing to…

George: Sucking too hard on your lollipop, love's gonna get you down!

Lavender: Say love, say love, love's gonna get you down!

Voldy: I KNOW THIS SONG! I went walking with my momma one day, when she warned me what people say, live your life until love is found, or love's gonna get you down!

*Luna and Fred have adopted some odd mode of ballroom dancing combined with the West Side Story patented snapping of fingers method and are performing this in time to the music*

Snape: *runs over* WAAAAAAAAAAIT!

All: Huh?

Snape: Dumbledore, pass me the Resurrection Stone!!

Dumbledore: Oh, Sevvles, McGonagall and I are having fun confessing our feelings for each other over here. Can't it wait?

All: PLOT TWIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snape: I WANT MY PRETTY ROCK! GIVE IT!

Dumbledore: Oh, whatever. *tosses it to him*

Ron: I want a Pop-Tart.

Harry: No one cares. I wanna see what Snape wants this for.

Snape: *catches it* THANK YOU! *jiggles it*

Resurrection Stone: Hi. You have reached the Resurrection Stone. I am not available to process your order for a dead person at the moment. Leave your message after the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!

Tone: BEEP.

Snape: WHAT IN ALL THE RAISINS IN THE SUNMAID VALLEY OF CALIFORNIA IS THIS?! DUMBLEDORE! This stone is DEFECTIVE! Send it back to the factory!!!!!!!!!

Stone: Did you want to send a numeric page? Press 5.

Snape: NOOOOOOO! WHAT'S THE NUMBER FOR LILY EVANS?!?!?!

All: MASSIVE PLOT TWIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry: *is unavailable because he's puking*

Lily: I'm right here. *materializes*

Snape: LILEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Okay, we can start the music back up. I liked that dance Luna and Fred were doing. So I decided to plagiarize it, but I needed a dance partner.

George: All right. SUCKING TOO HARD ON YOUR LOLLIPOP!

Lavender: Love's gonna get you down!

Parvati: Sucking too hard on your lollipop!

Romilda: Love's gonna get you down!

*three minutes later*

Voldy: Whew! That was fun!

George: Can we go back to Truth-or-Dare now?

Voldy: Sure! Can we play?

Luna: Sure! Gernumblies always say that sharing is caring.

Ron: I want a Pop-Tart.

Harry: No. Now, Parvati, truth or dare?

Parvati: Dare.

Harry: Go snog Malfoy, and then bring him back here. I think he should play with us.

Parvati: HAVE YOU GONE MENTAL?!?!?!?!?!?!

Harry: Just go while I think up a suitable comeback.

Parvati: Fine. *Leaves. Snogs. Ron yells EEEEEEEW. Returns*

Malfoy: What do you want with me, Potter?

Harry: Revenge. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hermione: Harry's starting to remind me of someone. LET'S SING ABOUT IT!

Fred: OOC alert!

Hermione: Where's my chinchilla when I need it?

Harry: HYPOCRITE!

Hermione: Shut up! "Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd…"

Lavender: "His skin was pale and his eye was odd…"

Fred: Ladies, ladies, get your heads out of the realm of Johnny Depp, please.

Hermione & Lavender: Awwwwwwwwwwww, come ON!

Lockhart: *gets on microphone at front of Hall* HELLLLLOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I hope you're all having as much happiness as is contained in my 5 time award-winning SMILE!!!!! Well, we've let you do what you want in the first hour of your time here, but now it's time for my FAVORITE game… and yes, you all have to play it… DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE!!!!!!!!!!

*dramatic elongated music*

**I seem to be very fond of cliffhangers… haha! Hope you liked it! Reviews are love! **

**THE NEXT INSTALLMENT: Will include hamster wheels, more taking of the raisins' names in vain, and perhaps some Victor Hugo wisdom… you'll see. **


	5. Hamster Wheels and Disney Stars

**A/N: Bonjour, mes amis! Sorry for the long waiting period- forgive me! I've been very very very busy! I is back with some more nonsensical nonsense calculated to bring a little insanity to your day. Thanks to all who reviewed, you guys rock! This story is getting much longer than I intended and I am so grateful to all who are sticking with it. :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Les Miz, my two favorite things. *sniffles hysterically* Or anything else that appears in this fic, for that matter. **

HARRY: Oh. My. Raisin.

VOLDY: RAUNCHY LANGUAGE, HAROLD! STOP TAKING THE RAISINS' NAME IN VAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

HARRY: "Harold?"

RON: HAROLD AND THE PURPLE CRAYON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RESURRECTION STONE: Nobody is pressing five. I feel unloved.

GILDEROY: Come on youngsters, we're playing Duck, Duck, Goose!! Get over here!

*the group reluctantly shuffles into a circle*

FRED: We need another song. *snaps fingers and "Human" by the Killers starts blaring*

SPEAKERS: _Are we human… or are we dancers…_

RESURRECTION STONE: If nobody is going to press five, I am going to sing Fantine's death song from Les Miz at the top of my computerized non-existent fictional lungs! And that is GUARANTEED to make you all cry!!

LUNA: Saltine's death song? I did not know crackers could die…

GILDEROY: GET IN A CIRCLE, YOU PUNKS, OR I WILLSET MY CORNISH PIXIES WHO ARE ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS ON YOU!

*everyone quickly finishes getting into a circle*

GILDEROY: Much better. Now, we're going to play this for an hour, and then I'll let you do what you want until midnight, when we will have a midnight snack together. But let's start playing, dearest buddies!

RESURRECTION STONE: Nobody pressed five… _COME TO ME, COSETTE, THE LIGHT IS FADING!!!!!!!_

GILDEROY: Shut up. Now, Ronald, why don't you start us off?

RON: Okiddlie-dokers! *runs toward the snack table*

HERMIONE: What the RAISIN are you doing?

VOLDY: Stop taking the raisins' name in vain! You kids have no respect.

RON: POP-TART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL: RON, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RON: *looks confused* B-but… you said we're playing Duck Duck Goose… don't I need to be a duckie?

HERMIONE: *firmly* No.

RON: Oh well. *eats it*

*three minutes later, a canary is molting in the corner with a dunce cap on his beak, the Resurrection Stone has moved on to "Stars," and a bunch of Ravenclaws have decided to recreate the Paris Uprising of 1832 and revolt against Duck Duck Goose, complete with a barricade made out of Canary Creams*

SPEAKERS: Are we huuuuuman… or are we dancers?

LEE: Well, of course we're humans. What do you think we are, Twilight fans?

THE CANARY: I'm a canary!

HERMIONE: This is why you are in the corner getting no Duck Duck Goose.

RON: *wails*

GILDEROY: TERRY BOOT, STOP RECREATING THE FRENCH REVOLUTION!!

TERRY: It's not the French Revolution, sir!!! It's the Paris Uprising of 1832!! AND VIVA LA NON CANARD, CANARD, ET OIE!!!!!!!!!!! *waves little red flag-y thing around*

RAVENCLAWS: OUI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RESURRECTION STONE: _Stars, in their multitudes, scarce to be counted, filling the darkness with order and light, you are the sentinels, silent and sure, keeping watch in the night! You have your place in the sky, you know your course and your aim, and each in your season returns and returns, and is always the same, and if you fall as Lucifer fell, you faaaaaall in flame!!_

PARVATI: Who's Lucifer?

HERMIONE: He's like a fallen angel. He's technically the devil.

FRED: Found on Earth in the form of Dolores Umbridge…

BELLATRIX: No, he's not. I'M the devil because that's my Halloween costume!! ROAR HOW DARE U CONTRADICT ME U SMALL DRIED GRAPES THAT IS NOT COOL TEH VOLDY WILL BE AFTER YOUUUUUU

VOLDY: Why are we suddenly speaking in LOLcat?

PARVATI: Oh. I was thinking like Lucifer the cat in Cinderella… but that couldn't have been right…

GILDEROY: (on the other side of the room, after a poke from the little flag-y thingy) FINE! I GIVE UP! GO DO WHAT YOU WANT! *cries*

ALL: *cheer, and Harry and friends run back to Truth or Dare*

*once all is organized*

HARRY: Okay, Malfoy, truth or dare?

MALFOY: Dare.

HARRY: *conjures a hamster wheel*

MALFOY: What?

HARRY: Okay, you are going to indulge your ferret-istic tendencies and run about on that hamster wheel singing Miley Cyrus songs until I say stop.

VOLDY: Harold-

RON: AND THE PURPLE CRAYON.

VOLDY: - that isn't the nicest thing to do. What if Draco does not want to?

HARRY: What is with this Harold thing? And who are you to talk about kindness?

VOLDY: Oh, just crawl into a hole in a hovel on the side of the hill.

MALFOY: *gives Harry a TEH EVIL GLARE, but climbs into the hamster wheel anyway and starts running* IT'S A PARTAY IN THE USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HERMIONE: This is making me sicker than that time I walked into Filch's office to find him and Mrs. Norris looking at Madam Pince's Facebook profile and leaving anonymous messages that made them look like creeps…

FRED: I did NOT need to know that…

HARRY: All right, Malfoy, you can stop.

MALFOY :*climbs out* Thank God. Now, Bellatrix, truth or dare?

BELLATRIX: Truth.

MALFOY: Who do you like?

BELLATRIX: What is this, some kind of middle school sleepover?

MALFOY: Just answer the question.

BELLATRIX: All right… *blurts out suddenly* NICK JONAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*collective gasp*

RESURRECTION STONE: SOMEONE PRESS FIVE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Again, sorry it took me forever to update! I'm thinking about wrapping the fic up in the next couple of chapters because a) it's getting kind of repetitive and b) to give me more time for my new idea where Snape falls into The Sound of Music and has to fill in for the youngest Von Trapp kiddie, Gretl. Hee hee. Let me know what you think of this chapter and of my new idea!! Thanks SO much!**


	6. Sugar Packet Madness

**A/N: Chapter 6 is HERE! Sorry for the delay, I've been on hiatus, but I am back! I think this is going to be the penultimate chapter, but I might make it longer if I get enough reviews. Thanks and cookies to everyone who did, you guys are AH-MAZING! **

**Disclaimer: Do I have to say it? **

THE SCENE: *three hours after the events of chapter 5: approximately 3:30 AM. The ruins of the Canary Cream barricade are strewn about the room, most of the lilac streamers have died and fallen on Lockhart's shiny and lustrous hair (but it'll never be as shiny as Raoul's from Phantom of the Opera!!!!!!!!!!!! I WON'T LET IT AS AUTHORESS OF THIS FIC!!!!!!!!!!! TEH ROAR…) and many students are starting to go to sleep. Harry and friends are still awake.*

HERMIONE: *yawns* Can we play something else? I have learned way more than I need to know about Voldemort's stuffed animals…

VOLDY: NO! HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT, YOU LITTLE FLIPPING POMEGRANATE?!?!?! THIS IS FUN!

HERMIONE: …Pomegranate?

VOLDY: Pomegranates are beautiful works of art in the form of fruit! I eat one every day, and that's why I have such stunning physique and wondrously shiny hair.

FRED: You don't have hair.

RON: I have feathers!

*silence*

LUNA: (obviously not following the conversation) Follow the butterflies…

*silence*

GEORGE: Er… okay then…

BELLATRIX: *snapping out of a fantasy involving her, Voldy, and an American Girl doll tea party in a sunlit Technicolor meadow with little bunnies frolicking about* DID SOMEONE SAY BUTTERFLIES??? I LOVE BUTTERFLIES! LET'S SNEAK OUT TO THE GROUNDS AND CHASE THEM!!!!!!!!

FRED: Ooh, rule-breaking!!

LAVENDER: But I'd rather snog Ron!

RON: !!!!!!!!!!! GIRLS GERMS!!!!!!!!!!!

HERMIONE: But butterflies aren't even out at night!!

FRED: Who cares? Anything's better than having to listen to the Resurrection Stone singing.

HERMIONE: You do have a point there.

*they all get ready to sneak out of the castle*

*once everyone is ready*

FRED: Okay, we're leaving. Does anyone need anything before we go?

*everyone is silent, except for Voldy*

VOLDY: *timidly raises his hand* I'm thirsty.

~three hours later~

*once Voldy has been given his water bottle, earmuffs, shampoo stolen from Snape's dungeon *collective gasp as the readers realize that OMG SNAPE REALLY DOES USE SHAMPOO!!!!!!!*, ballet tutu, and a pink Snuggie, he declares himself ready to go*

FRED: Okay, we only have an hour or so because Voldy here had to get all his stuff-

*Bellatrix whacks Voldy with a baseball bat, making him hop around on one foot and cry hysterically*

FRED: So let's go.

*they all troop out of the castle, and just at the door they run into… *

AUTHORESS: CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!! Mwahahahaha! And for the record, self inserts are REALLY annoying, but I don't care, so I'm sticking myself in here anyway!!!!!!!!! Mwahahahaha!

ALL: SHUT UP! GO BACK TO THE RAISIN OF A FIC!

AUTHORESS: *meekly* All right.

*they all troop out of the castle, and just at the door they run into… MRS. NORRIS!*

MRS. NORRIS: What are you kiddles doing here? Oh wait… I'm a cat… can't speak English… dang it to raisination, I think I just blew my cover... MEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MEOW MEOW MEOW!!!!!!!!!!!! (aside) Maybe they didn't notice!

HERMIONE: Um, I thought you were a cat. Cats can't talk.

GINNY: It's a ThunderClan cat! Like in Warriors! MAYBE SHE'S BLUESTAR! Can I have your autograph? PLEEEEEESE?????

HERMIONE: Seriously, why are you talking?

MRS. NORRIS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'VE DISCOVERED MY SECRET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NEVER GIVE YOU AN EXPLANATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, fine, I'll tell you the truth… I'm really Chuck Norris.

(Ginny and Harry start laughing hysterically at the ridiculous turn of events and the desperate mind of the authoress)

RON: Who's that?

VOLDY: He's a Muggle actor-

RON: Like Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle in my comic books?

VOLDY: Sure, kid…

RON: Does he have feathers too?

*silence*

BELLATRIX: I WANNA FOLLOW THE BUTTERFLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOVE IT, KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHUCK: Oh, fine. (moves over)

ALL: THANK YOU! *they run out the door and begin twirling across the grounds*

RON: Follow the butterflies, follow the butterflies…

HERMIONE: Canarycus explodicus.

*nothing happens*

HERMIONE: Dang it. Oh well. *she starts twirling too*

LUNA: This is great fun…

*a bird call is heard*

LUNA: Do mine ears deceive me? I think that that was a Snorkack mating call!

HERMIONE: Here we go again.

LUNA: A Snorkack is nearby, fellows! Let us chase it!

BELLATRIX: NO!!!!!!!!!!!! I'D RATHER SNOG VOLDY! *all look at her* Oops, that was loud…

VOLDY: Huh?

PARVATI: Wow, someone's oblivious…

BELLATRIX: Oh well, now it's out in the open! LET US SNOG, VOLDY! PRETTY PLEASE?

VOLDY: B-b-but… I like McGonagall! *realizes what he said* No. No, kids, you did NOT hear that…. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

*clichéd dramatic elongated music*

LUNA: Whatever. Let's go into the forest and chase the Snorkack!

HERMIONE: No-

*Luna's already run away into the forest*

HARRY: Oh, raisinstick. Now we have to go after her- we can't let her stay in there alone!

GINNY: Yeah, you're right…

*they all run after her and find themselves in a clearing filled with… sugar packets?*

HERMIONE: Actually, it's Sweet n' Low.

LUNA: *sitting on top of one of the sugar packet piles, stuffing her face with the glucose products contained within* Hey guys! This must be a Snorkack den! With sugar! Come and eat!

RON: OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

HERMIONE: Ron, it is improper grammar to put "11" at the end of your exclamation points; it makes you look like a Twilight fangirl.

RON: *shocked* Oh, no, you did NOT just call me that…

LAVENDER: Who cares? Just come eat, dang it all to raisins!

*they all start eating*

*Two hours later, everyone is on a total sugar high.*

HARRY: I'M POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN! I'M POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN! I'M STRONG TO THE FINISH CUZ I EATS ME SPINACH! I'M POPEYE THE SAILOR MAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VOLDY: MEEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DISEMBODIED SUPER LOUD VOICE: WHAT IS THIS RUMPUS?

*everyone screams and starts answering the voice*

RON: Harry hit me!

HARRY: Ron invaded my personal bubble!

*Snape steps out from behind a tree; he is obviously Teh Disembodied Voice! OMG!*

SNAPE: Well, what do you have to say for yourselves, being caught out of bounds and-wait… what are these sugar packets?

GINNY: Um…

VOLDY: Uh…

FRED: Well, you see, a great pink dragon carrying a raisinload of Arby's curly fries just dropped them off a minute ago-

SNAPE: Shut up, Mr. Weasley. *begins to cry all of a sudden*

HERMIONE: *goes to give Snape a hug, exciting the SS/Hr shippers all across America* What's wrong?

SNAPE: Get off me.

HERMIONE: What's the magic word?

SNAPE: Hermionicus Explodicus.

*Hermione backs off*

SNAPE: Well… *his lower lip wobbles* these are my sugar packets… they were for my mommy for her birthday… and I was saving them up to send to her… but now she won't get any! *cries hysterically*

LEE: Oh. Um… sorry.

SNAPE: And now you kids have ruined her birthday!

VOLDY: We're very sorry, my dear henchperson.

*Bellatrix nods vigorously*

SNAPE: So now…

DRUM ROLL: *sounds*

SNAPE: You're all getting DETENTION!

*more clichéd dramatic elongated music*

**Yet another cliffhanger… haha! I'm mean, I know :) I'll try to get the next installment up sooner! Ta-ta for now!**


End file.
